The Music of Love

Our song of love is pure and fair

All the hurt music can repair

As heaven comes to us on earth

And makes us one in our rebirth

And now we're open to the tune

The world may fall, but we're immune

It binds us two in sweet refrain

And twirls us 'round and 'round again

Each heart in harmony now beats

And lifts us both up from our seats

To dance and swirl in unison

In perfect pitch, us two made one

Each giving up the solo roles

And harmonizing with our souls

An orchestra of pure delight

Our song lights each and every night

This tune a symbol from above

A perfect melody of love 

My Breaking Point Doesn't Define Me

We're human; we all have breaking points.

"Even the best fall down sometimes;
Even the stars refuse to shine."
- Collide, Howie Day

"But I'm only human, and I bleed when I fall down.

I'm only human, and I crash and I break down."

- Human, Christina Perri

"You're aching; you're breaking,

And I can see the pain in your eyes."

- Everybody's Changing, Keane

I am an incredibly patient person. I give plenty of second chances, and third chances, and fourth chances. I put effort into one-sided relationships with the hope that I will receive effort in return someday. I give of myself endlessly, and I do not expect much in return, but this usually results in people walking all over me. Even when I know I'm being used, I let it happen, because I think I can help these people. However, I am not a saint. I have my limits; I have reached my breaking point.

Breaking Point: the moment of greatest strain at which someone or something gives way; a moment of stress in which a person breaks down or a situation becomes critical; the point at which physical, mental, or emotional strength gives way under stress.

this is mine. 

Between the pressures of school, being away from home, extracurricular activities, job applications, scholarship applications, finals that are approaching, working to maintain friendships, and building new relationships, I have collapsed. It is simply too much pressure for a single person to handle without the support of good friends. Stress was coming at me from all aspects of my life, and I could no longer deal with everything. 

So I broke. I cried. I ate too much. I slept too much. I watched too much Netflix. I avoided going out in public as much as I could because I dreaded social situations. I malfunctioned and crashed. I shattered into a million pieces. I couldn't find any tape for awhile, but recently I came across some glue. I am in the process of putting myself back together and turning my breaking point into a learning experience. 

Just underneath your breaking point lies your true strength. Your breaking point is really your making point. I was able to pull myself up after knocking myself down, and you can pull yourself up, too. Remember that you and I are human. We make mistakes. We fall down. Sometimes we do not want to get up. But we are human. We thrive knowing we are strong. We fall down seven times, but we stand up eight times. 

Our breaking points do not define us. 

A Letter To My Big Sister

Amanda, 

I have often wondered what my life would be like if you were not a part of it. I cannot imagine a single event of my life that would be the same without you. You are attached to all of my memories. Like when we made the Lindsay and Amanda Club. I'm pretty sure that cardboard sign is still in the laundry room in the basement. Or that time you did my hair and you told me to go to school telling everyone it was "ghetto" and you laughed your ass off when I repeated it and then told me I probably shouldn't say that because I was in preschool. I am going to blame the truck driver mouth I have today on you breaking me in when I was so young. 

Growing up, we were always there to make each other laugh, even in your moody teenage years when you never came out of your room. I would get in trouble and mom or dad would be yelling at me and you would come out and tell them to leave me alone. Even so you teased me all the time because it was your job as my older sister. And I annoyed you be freaking you out about boohbahs because it was my job as your younger sister. You were the mean older sister, and I was the annoying younger sister. 

I always wanted to be just like you. I wanted to wear the same clothes as you, listen to the same music as you, watch the same TV shows as you, and have the same friends as you. You, of course, did not want any of that. I was the Stephanie Tanner to your DJ Tanner, but it worked for us, because at the end of the day, we had each other's backs. 

You have always been there for me, even in my most desperate times of need. High school wasn't easy, and college isn't any easier. But you're always just a text message or phone call away. You have always been on my side no matter what. You have saved my ass more times than I could thank you for. Even when I roll my eyes at you, I know you're always saying what you're saying or doing what you're doing for my benefit. I've learned from your mistakes, and I appreciate that. 

You're the most wonderful big sister a girl could ask for. Sometimes you still see me as a little girl copying you, but ultimately I am glad to see how our friendship has evolved throughout the years. No longer are we singing *NSYNC or Backstreet Boys or Britney Spears, but we are actually singing Luke Bryan and Miranda Lambert and Rascal Flatts. Thanks for being my best friend throughout all of the ups and downs. You're my partner in crime, and I cannot thank you enough for that. Love you always! 

Love, 
Your Favorite Little Sister 

Tuesday Ten - Compliments Girls Love

10. I enjoy talking with you. - This compliments a lady's intelligence as well as her communication skills. She will be flattered that a guy loves talking with her and wants to listen to her opinions.

9. I like the way you think. - This is way better than "you're smart," which only compliments a female's capability of remembering factual knowledge. "I like the way you think" notices the lady as an interesting person rather than a clever person.

8. You're optimistic and charismatic. - This compliments how happy and relaxed a woman is while she is around a certain guy. All girls love to be seen as having a positive personality.

7. What do you think? - No, this does not appear to be a compliment on the surface, but look deeper. Asking a girl's opinion is a great way to compliment her because the question shows that she is valued for her thoughts rather than just her looks.

6. You carry yourself well. - While this compliment could be from anyone, it shows that a man pays attention to the small details about how a lady behaves when he is (or isn't) around. This compliments a girl's maturity level as well as her confidence.

5. I wish we had met sooner. - This is a great way to put a woman at ease by letting her know that the past is in the past, and now only the best lies ahead.

4. Your smile brightens my day. - Yes, this is very cliche, but it works every time. I'm not sure why, but any guy who compliments a lady in this way will have her blushing in 0.2 seconds flat.

3. Nobody makes me happier than you. - With this compliment, the man compares the woman to his previous girlfriends and places her way above them all. Women are naturally competitive, and this compliment will surely boost her confidence.

2. I'm lucky to have you. - This is the perfect compliment; it basically says that no one else out there will do. It's the greatest way to tell a girl that she is one of a kind and very special. The guy who says this shows true appreciation for his lady.

1. You're beautiful. - Simple and eloquent. Whether it is the very first date or the fiftieth wedding anniversary, every woman wants to be told she is beautiful. So long as one man says she is beautiful to him - well, that's all that counts.

BONUS TIP! - Compliment her with chivalry. If you want to compliment a lady, then behave like a gentleman. Simple acts such as holding doors open and helping her take off her coat show that a man believes a girl is a true lady, and that she deserves respect for that alone.

50 Things I Believe

During senior year, I had to do a project for my religion class in which I had to create a list of 50 things I believe in. After coming upon this list recently, I have revised it slightly, therefore making it more of who I am now as a sophomore in college. The following list states 50 things that I currently believe in. 

1. I believe in God. 
2. I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for me. 
3. I believe that friendship cures sadness. 
4. I believe that music creates happiness.
5. I believe that dancing is good for the soul, no matter how "badly" it is done. 
6. I believe that life is about making mistakes and learning from them. 
7. I believe in the power of a good attitude. 
8. I believe that hard work combined with prayer produces the best results. 
9. I believe that happiness is more important than pride. 
10. I believe in unlimited possibilities because only God holds the key to my destiny. 
11. I believe in the power of forgiveness. 
12. I believe that spending time with family is good for the soul. 
13. I believe that spending time with God creates a lasting inner peace. 
14. I believe that God is in each and every person. 
15. I believe in the power of kindness and generosity. 
16. I believe that education is for everyone. 
17. I believe that world peace is possible and will be achieved one day. 
18. I believe that everyday may not be good, but there is something good in everyday. 
19. I believe in the power of a smile. 
20. I believe that problems are merely guidelines, not stop signs. 
21. I believe that our imaginations make us infinite. 
22. I believe that pain demands to be felt. 
23. I believe that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. 
24. I believe that I have nothing to fear as long as I keep Jesus in my heart. 
25. I believe that I cannot survive without God's grace and mercy. 
26. I believe that sharing a meal with someone yields intimacy. 
27. I believe in fighting for social justice. 
28. I believe in chivalry. 
29. I believe that every single person is beautiful. 
30. I believe in standing up for the poor and the lonely. 
31. I believe that death is okay because it unites us with God. 
32. I believe that I am a princess because God, my Father, is a King. 
33. I believe in happy endings. 
34. I believe that every single human life is important and valuable, beginning at the moment of conception. 
35. I believe that I will change the world. 
36. I believe that positive thinking is one of the best cures. 
37. I believe in the power of giving. 
38. I believe that love is stronger than hate. 
39. I believe in second chances. 
40. I believe that I have the ability to help others. 
41. I believe that every single human being has dignity because we were all made in the image and likeness of God. 
42. I believe that I can achieve anything my mind can conceive. 
43. I believe that actions speak louder than words. 
44. I believe in miracles. 
45. I believe that laughter is the best calorie burner. 
46. I believe in flaws because perfection is overrated; one cannot photoshop a personality. 
47. I believe that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 
48. I believe in the red, white, and blue. 
49. I believe in myself. 
50. I believe in you. 

Dear Future Husband (No. 1)

Dear Future Husband, 

I'm sorry. I'm scared. And I'm excited. 

I'm sorry for my past. For giving my heart away too easily. For having a twisted perception of men. For not having trust. I'm also sorry for my present. For constantly searching for you instead of being patient. For forgetting to pray for you. I'm even sorry for my future. For the mistakes I will make. For letting my emotions drive me at times. For not following through on things I may promise. 

I'm sorry for you. For the temptations you deal with everyday. For the girls who show a little too much. For the lie that being a man means being physically strong and hiding emotions. For the expectations I already have - the ones you feel like you have to meet, but know you won't always be able to. I'm sorry for your past hurt, whatever that may look like. 

More than sorry, I'm scared. I'm scared for the bad times. For not living up to your expectations. For being a bad wife or mother. For fighting. For potential financial stresses, even though I know that ultimately doesn't matter. 

But even more than sorry and scared, I'm excited. I'm excited to meet you. I'm excited for you to experience my awkwardness. I'm excited for the mountains. For the jokes and the laughs. For the happy tears. For our future children. For serving the Lord together. For dancing and singing in the kitchen. For worship and fellowship in the family room. For deep conversations. For working in the mission field. I'm excited for the valleys. For the hardships and the tears. For the trials that will shape our relationship. For the times when we know the only thing pulling us through is our love for the Lord. I'm excited for all of the moments we will share.

I'm sorry and scared and excited. I don't know when I will meet you, but I pray that temptations are small and that the Lord prepares you for my craziness and sensitivity. I pray that He softens your heart, opens your eyes, and prepares you for everything that may come. But most of all, I pray that you lean on Him and love Him more and more each day, more than you will ever love me. 

Love, 
Your Future Wife 

A Letter To My Best Friend

Dear Lauren, 

Did I actually just use your real name??? 

I really cannot find words that are strong enough to express how much you mean to me and how much I thank you for all the things you have done for me and all the times that you were there. I just wanted to let you know how much I need you, and how much you mean to me. 

You're my dearest friend - the person I always turn to with my heart and soul. You're always there for me, ready to offer an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, or a heart to feel. You've been there through both the good times and the bad times. You were my light and warmth when the road got tough. You encouraged me whenever I hesitated. Not all friends stand by you through your joys and sorrows, but you've always been there for me. Thank you.

I've met a lot of people in my life, but I've never met anyone else quite like you. I knew from the start that there was something special about you. You touched my life and wouldn't let go. You brought me unimaginable joy, and you have made me feel like a better person who is able to take on the world. I think we were destined to become friends, and I'm grateful for God who brought us together. True friends are hard to find; that's why I'm glad I've got you. 

You are so special to me, and you cannot be replaced. You are always willing to help no matter what the situation holds. You always support me in everything I do. I hope one day you can lean on me as much as I've leaned on you. Your friendship helps me realize how blessed I truly am. I thank God for bringing you into my life, because I would not be the way I am today without you.

All you have to do is say the word, and I'll be there to lend a hand - day or night, sunny or snowy, happy or sad. I don't know if many people in this world would understand, but to have a friend like you is finding a silver heart in a bag of sand. You are the only one I can tell my soul to, who can relate to me like no other, who I can laugh with to no extent, and who can help me with all the problems I have to face of my life. Never have you turned your back on me, let me down, or told me I wasn't good enough. You crack me up with laughter and touch my heart with your kindness. I love you more than words can say, and I will no matter what happens. 

I look up to you because you are strong, caring, and beautiful (among other things!). I hope you know that I will always be there to listen to you, laugh with you, cry with you, and help you in all the ways that I possibly can. Through smiles and tears, laughter and heartache, you've been a part of my life. Going through this time of not hearing your voice or seeing your smile is rough. I look forward to the time we share, and I cherish all the memories we have already made. 

You always put other people first. Your thoughtfulness is greatly appreciated. You have impacted so many lives, and I would not be the person I am today without you. In times of trouble and in times of thanks, you stood by my side and held me up.You supported me when I was in tears from sadness and from joy. I've never needed anyone in my life as much as I need you now. 

Nobody will ever find another person more special than you are. I would fall apart if anything ever happened to our friendship. Everyday it just grows stronger and stronger. You are worth more than real gold. I could never imagine life without you, because that would be like an overused pencil - extremely dull. You play a major part in my life, and I hold you incredibly close to my heart. I treasure your soul like no other. You've helped me so much during the time I've known you, and I only hope that I can return the favor. 

I love you so so so so much, and I can't wait to see you again soon so we can sing and watch movies and drive around aimlessly together. I miss being the DJ of our car rides... But until then, keep making memories, and call me whenever you need me. Don't miss me too much! 

"Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints on your heart." 

All My Love and Lots of Prayers, 

Lindsay (Your BFF 5ever, because 5 is greater than 4.)

A Letter To My Ex

To My Ex: 

You may never read this letter, but these are the kindest words I have ever said to you.

You're emotionally abusive and manipulative. You hurt me deeply and you knew it, even though you always denied any any wrongdoing. You sold me a dream, but you failed to mention that I would never be a part of it. You used me so badly that I almost can't believe it actually happened. You gave me nothing. 

You positioned yourself so carefully by making sure you never quite lied or told me an untruth. You had an answer for everything, and on the rare occasion that you didn't, you never quite gave an answer. In this way you were able to walk away from this feeling as though you were good to me. But your behavior and manipulation is reprehensible. Even when we parted ways last, you just said, "Goodnight," expecting me to text you in a week and stroke your ego again and prove how much I like you. All those times it was over, you denied me simple closure. You couldn't even give me that, and of course I came back to try and make it right. Well, this is my closure.

Despite all of this, I remained by your side. I believed in you, and I saw great things in you. I believed your behavior was coming from a place of hurt and pain. The things that happened to you in your past affected you so deeply, and I kept thinking that if I showed you enough kindness, you would come around. I saw so much potential in you. But at the crux of it, you don't think anyone can truly love you for who you are, and so you value people by what you can get out of them. You give as little as possible so that when things fall apart, you never have to feel rejected. You throw yourself into material things that make you feel good for a little while because those things will never dump you. You are living a self-fulfilling prophecy. No one will truly love you like this. I thought I was in love with you, but in reality, I was in love with the man you could be - not the man you think you are.

That being said, I still believe in you. I know how much potential you have. One day I truly hope you will become the man I know you can be, but I will not be waiting around for that. 

You and I will always be unfinished business. There will never be true closure. There are things left unsaid and undone, but they will always be that way. There are certain people who come into your life and leave a mark. You left me with a bruise of longing. Hearing your name will always pull at my heart, but letting you burn me has taught me more lessons than I could express in words. Unfortunately I was never able to make you reciprocate my feelings, but that's okay now because it's over.

This is the kindest letter I could send you because it's a truth that you need to hear. This is my closure. I am completing the unfinished business I have now so that I am free as I move into this next phase of my life unencumbered. I hope you grow up someday. 

Best Wishes, 

The Girl Who Never Left

I Miss My Friends!

I've been missing my friends at home a lot lately, especially these guys. Skyping with LV and Matt today made me realize how far I actually am from home. 

Shannon - you're like a ray of sunshine in my life. You are my glass half-full. I miss you immensely. I hope you're having a great time at NHIA! You make an extremely cute sloth!

Jillybean - I really miss just being around you in general. You get me and I get you...like 2 peas in a pod. We feel the same about literally everyone, and that's why we work. I hope you're not meeting too many weirdos in Bitch (I mean Fitch!) burg.

Matt - I miss your big giant bear hugs and your sass and your everything. I hope you have a killer senior year this year. No matter how much we make fun of each other, I really enjoy our friendship sometimes. Break a leg in both shows, and make sure you Skype me and sing at some point! 

LV - Who woulda thought I would miss you so much? You're literally my other half because without you, I'm just LV, and you're just LV, but together we make up (LV)². I love you more than life. I can't wait until I see you again so I can run up to you and wrap you in a violent hug. Legit whenever we're together we have the best conversations, and like if anyone else heard us we would be put in a mental hospital, and that is why I love you so much. Thanks for being so awesome. 

I love you guys so much. Thanks for being the bestestestest friends everrrrrr. I hope y'all are doing great at your various schools! Can't wait to see y'all again sometime soon! 

I Felt God; I Didn't Know Him.

WARNING: It's boutta get hella Catholic up in here.

So most people who know me think that I've always been "super crazy religious," as some of my friends might say. Like, "There's a Bible quote in her e-mail signature, she's a Jesus freak!" kind of religious. But that actually could not be further from the truth. When I went on my first youth conference before freshman year of high school, I finally realized how real Jesus is. It took me 14 years to truly feel His presence in my life. 14 years. That's an insanely long time to not know Jesus.

But I still didn't really know Him, I just felt Him. Kind of like I knew He was around, but I didn't want to talk to Him. Or maybe I did want to talk to Him, but I didn't know how. Even still, I went to Mass and went on more retreats. I always felt God around me. Every conference I went on, I would come home and tell myself it would be different this time around. I was going to get to know God this time. But I never went through with it. I never started a real prayer life. I was just another Catholic going through the motions at Mass on Sundays. Just another Catholic who went to Reconciliation maybe once or twice a year. Just another Catholic.

So now I'm 18. It's been 18 years, and I've only ever felt God. I've never taken the time to know Him. But I think that's finally going to change. This past weekend I had the amazing opportunity to attend a conference here at my school (Franciscan University of Steubenville) called Encounter. The main idea of the entire day was about encountering God. This notion of "knowing not feeling" was very present around me all day. I went through the motions at Mass that morning and listened to the speakers deliver powerful messages. And then my roommate wanted to go to Reconciliation. Ugh.

The Sacrament of Reconciliation gives me anxiety. Like, awful anxiety. But I knew that I needed to go. It had been over a year since I confessed my sins to God. Over a year since I had felt God's mercy in my life. But that only made this anxiety worse. We waited in line for about an hour. The closer I got, the more sick to my stomach I felt. I was freaking out, thinking the priest would judge me because I couldn't remember the last time I went to confession. But when it was finally my turn, I swallowed and took a deep breath and sat down across from Father Nathan (who is the bomb). It was the most healing sacrament I have ever experienced. I really knew God in that moment, and I knew His mercy. This was a brand new feeling - it took me 18 years to know God's mercy.

I went to Eucharistic Adoration a few hours after that and it was during those few hours where I first started getting to know Jesus. I never fully realized how calming just sitting in the presence of God could be. I didn't only feel God during adoration this time. I knew Him. Or at least, I started to get to know Him.

I went to Sunday Mass this evening. Tonight, August 30, 2015, was the first Mass where I can honestly say I did more than just go through the motions. I consciously thought about each word I was saying and praying. I made an effort to not be distracted by my environment. I didn't just feel as if I just received Jesus through Holy Communion - I knew that I had just received Jesus. I knew that He was in my heart.

And I can't think of a better way to start off my four years at Franciscan than this past weekend, especially knowing that I have a supportive group of friends who love me and care about me. They're the type of people who will help me start a prayer life so I can have an actual relationship with Jesus. They're the type of people who will hold me accountable for my actions and push me to be the best version of myself. They're the type of people who will help me know God.

I had a lot of struggles in high school. I still have a lot of struggles now. But I'm thrilled to embark on this journey of getting to know God, even if it seems difficult, because none of my scars can make Him love me less. I'm filled with joy because of the opportunity I have to get to know God and build a relationship with Him.