I Felt God; I Didn't Know Him.

WARNING: It's boutta get hella Catholic up in here.

So most people who know me think that I've always been "super crazy religious," as some of my friends might say. Like, "There's a Bible quote in her e-mail signature, she's a Jesus freak!" kind of religious. But that actually could not be further from the truth. When I went on my first youth conference before freshman year of high school, I finally realized how real Jesus is. It took me 14 years to truly feel His presence in my life. 14 years. That's an insanely long time to not know Jesus.

But I still didn't really know Him, I just felt Him. Kind of like I knew He was around, but I didn't want to talk to Him. Or maybe I did want to talk to Him, but I didn't know how. Even still, I went to Mass and went on more retreats. I always felt God around me. Every conference I went on, I would come home and tell myself it would be different this time around. I was going to get to know God this time. But I never went through with it. I never started a real prayer life. I was just another Catholic going through the motions at Mass on Sundays. Just another Catholic who went to Reconciliation maybe once or twice a year. Just another Catholic.

So now I'm 18. It's been 18 years, and I've only ever felt God. I've never taken the time to know Him. But I think that's finally going to change. This past weekend I had the amazing opportunity to attend a conference here at my school (Franciscan University of Steubenville) called Encounter. The main idea of the entire day was about encountering God. This notion of "knowing not feeling" was very present around me all day. I went through the motions at Mass that morning and listened to the speakers deliver powerful messages. And then my roommate wanted to go to Reconciliation. Ugh.

The Sacrament of Reconciliation gives me anxiety. Like, awful anxiety. But I knew that I needed to go. It had been over a year since I confessed my sins to God. Over a year since I had felt God's mercy in my life. But that only made this anxiety worse. We waited in line for about an hour. The closer I got, the more sick to my stomach I felt. I was freaking out, thinking the priest would judge me because I couldn't remember the last time I went to confession. But when it was finally my turn, I swallowed and took a deep breath and sat down across from Father Nathan (who is the bomb). It was the most healing sacrament I have ever experienced. I really knew God in that moment, and I knew His mercy. This was a brand new feeling - it took me 18 years to know God's mercy.

I went to Eucharistic Adoration a few hours after that and it was during those few hours where I first started getting to know Jesus. I never fully realized how calming just sitting in the presence of God could be. I didn't only feel God during adoration this time. I knew Him. Or at least, I started to get to know Him.

I went to Sunday Mass this evening. Tonight, August 30, 2015, was the first Mass where I can honestly say I did more than just go through the motions. I consciously thought about each word I was saying and praying. I made an effort to not be distracted by my environment. I didn't just feel as if I just received Jesus through Holy Communion - I knew that I had just received Jesus. I knew that He was in my heart.

And I can't think of a better way to start off my four years at Franciscan than this past weekend, especially knowing that I have a supportive group of friends who love me and care about me. They're the type of people who will help me start a prayer life so I can have an actual relationship with Jesus. They're the type of people who will hold me accountable for my actions and push me to be the best version of myself. They're the type of people who will help me know God.

I had a lot of struggles in high school. I still have a lot of struggles now. But I'm thrilled to embark on this journey of getting to know God, even if it seems difficult, because none of my scars can make Him love me less. I'm filled with joy because of the opportunity I have to get to know God and build a relationship with Him.